180° Turn Blog
180° Turn Blog
Down in the abyss it's so deep and dark, even with my eyes open, I cannot see a thing. When I look up, because the of the steep pit walls, I see not a speck of light.
Then God says, "Let there be light", and my whole existence is illuminated. I am in a deep dark place. I ask God, "How did I get here?" It is where I ended up when I followed my own dreams and desires. It is not a good place to be.
But as you live and learn, we all end up in the depths unless we are in touch with Our Creator, unless we keep Him first.
It's His plans and purpose for our lives that matter, not our own. It takes many of us a lifetime to figure this out.
I dug my own pit and now the Lord is graciously pulling me up and out, painful step by painful step.
From the outside looking in the world said, "You have it all." A great marriage, 2 homes, an engineering career, no kids, and a Lucky dog. The American dream.
The change was gradual, but discontentment was creeping in. In my late thirties, I started fertility testing, and the conclusion was I could not get pregnant.
As a couple, we told ourselves this was okay. It wasn't meant to be. We filled our "family" time with promiscuous adult adventures. We were mature adults after all. Because it was consensual, it was okay right?
Then it happened. At 42, I got pregnant, and we had a beautiful miracle, a healthy baby boy. We were complete now. Or so I thought.
Wrong. My husband wanted to stay in the "old" lifestyle. It's all he knew. He was addicted and could not stop.
Myself, on the other hand, was trying to figure out the nurturing mode of motherhood. All I wanted was to take care of our son. My husband had become jealous. He didn't understand me anymore.
I needed help. I thought moving by family was the solution, so off to Oregon we went. They would help me, right?
The move didn’t help of course, and our marriage deteriorated.
At first, I resented our son, thinking he was the problem, but it was us. My husband was still a high-power successful engineer, and I was now a stay-at-home mom.
Behind closed doors, without God, life was ugly.
I was drinking heavily, and my husband was online porning, ignoring me. Stalemate! Something had to give. Jacob was only four years old. After catching my spouse in yet another illicit relationship, I told him we were separated. We were done. I was in counseling and had started attending a church. There was nothing wrong with him, he said, he wouldn’t go.
Little did I know radical change/help was on the way.
One night my husband came home from work and pulled me to the couch. He had been to church; he would do anything to save our marriage. He had had a change of heart. He said he would get help for his addiction. We would go to counseling together. He would make it work.
I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. It was what I had prayed for. My marriage was going to be fixed.
All alone at midnight, I was on a roller coaster, going up, then going down, up, and down. My feelings and emotions were erratic, I cried out in a loud voice, “I can’t do this anymore.” I was spent, I was done. Then The Lord came, a bright white cloud of light came around me. A face with white woolly hair appeared to me inside the cloud. I was in His protective bubble. He said, “Here I am.” He came to tell me many things. One of the first things he said was "my marriage could be fixed if we stayed the course."
I was ecstatic, joyful, filled with the Holy Spirit, then and there. I couldn't believe He was real. I was shocked, stunned, tongue-tied. I listened; I could not get enough.
I told everybody about the Lord coming to save me. I changed rapidly. I put down the bottle and kept up counseling. I was being healed from the inside out. Everything was going to be all right.
But I was wrong yet again. My husband said, "Why would God come and save you?" My in-laws said, "Of course, there's nothing wrong. You have a great life." My family said, "You will never change."
But I knew! I now knew God was real and He existed. I believed. I only cared about pursuing Him.
We did not stay the course. That life was gone. My husband went back to his old ways.
After 2 nasty trials, I left Oregon thinking to make a life for my son and I in Texas with my family. He was 7 by then. The scariest thing I ever did was drive my son and I cross country to start a new life. I thought it was finished. I thought it was over. I raised our son in the Faith.
I was to be shocked yet again.
Last summer my son chose to leave my home and go live with his dad in Oregon. After yet another nasty trial, his dad manipulated him and undermined my authority. My son didn't have a chance. I raised him in the Christian faith just as the Lord wanted. I had eleven years of influence over him, but now it was time to let go. It's time for him to fly solo at just 16.
I don't understand but I trust the Lord. He is Sovereign. I found out long ago, I don’t have to understand, I must trust and obey.
And where does that leave me? In the best place possible. Reaching up my hand. He is pulling me up and out. I am at the top of the abyss. I can see my Light, Jesus. The author and finisher of my faith. I walk by faith, not by sight.
I chose HIM!